I have to say going out in Boston on the weekend is problematic without a car. Most of my friends have one, so it’s rare that I’m out and about late at night without a viable way home. Friday night was one of those rare occasions. And I have to say I could not fully enjoy the evening anticipating the hassle of getting home on the T.

The outing started off badly. I haven’t been using the T at all, and had only used the automated machines at JFK once since their installation. I had to recharge my Charlie ticket, and have to admit that the first time I used the system I didn’t have any trouble at all. (To be fair I still have not used it during rush hour.)

This time the first machine I tried could not read my debit card. It gives you three swipes and then you’re out. I tried it on four different machines. It’s a brand new card, I have activated it, and I’ve got funds in my account. I had a ten dollar bill–so after trying the card I figured I’d just go ahead and use cash. Unfortunately, one small part of one corner of the bill was torn off, and the machine would not accept the cash, either.

I walked over to the hermetically-sealed T Ambassador Pod (TAP), and to my surprise the woman in the booth actually opened her little window without making me beg and plead. She was very friendly, which made me immediately suspicious, but I soon realized she had this chipper attitude because she could do absolutely nothing to help me. She had no change. There are no tokens. And if the machines don’t want your cash or your card, you’re shit out of luck.

She took me through the process, and counseled me in the correct swiping technique. Apparently the machines are a little fussy when it comes to how swiftly you swipe. At any rate, I was able to recharge my Charlie ticket (but actually, it spits out a whole new ticket, not the same one you inserted.)

I was lucky to make the train. They have new bells and buzzers at JFK, that are like air-raid sirens. Good for the hearing impaired, that’s for sure. Props on the amped-up PA system, too.

On my way home, I had to take the green-line to the red. Of course, the green-line doesn’t honor the Charlie ticket. One young woman I was in line with started arguing with the lady in the token booth. “This is absurd,” the young woman said. I just laughed. It’s a little known fact that the current system is actually based on plans for a “Metro of the Absurd” drawn up by none other than Samuel Beckett. No lie.

So when it was my turn I handed over a five dollar bill. I wanted two tokens. She pushed my five dollar bill back under the window, and barked “I need quarters!” I was like, “and?” I mean, is this my problem? I pushed my bill back under the window. She pushed it back out. “Quarters!” she roared. I was with a friend, who luckily had some change (though no quarters). Thank goodness she was willing to accept other forms of legal tender.

You know The Dog Whisperer? They need a T-employee Whisperer. At least until they get fully automated. At which point I am sure the T-employees who are now so badly behaved will become pleasantly domesticated, with the pressure to do anything useful off of them. Maybe petting booths would be a good idea, once the system is fully implemented?