I went to the dentist this afternoon. I went in for a cleaning and came out with two cavities. I have never in all my life had a cavity. They should have counselors on hand for this kind of thing.

When he saw my devastation my dentist first tried to minimize the damage. “They’re in the very early stages,” he told me. But you still have to drill, right? “It won’t hurt,” he said. And then added: “much.”

“Only if we hit a nerve,” he clarified.

Then he tried to assure me it wasn’t exactly my fault, because, really, it feels like a personal failing, especially when you’ve gone your whole life without a cavity and then all the sudden you’ve got two. He was like, “this one here is the result of a kind of congenital defect.” Oh, thanks, doc. Now I’ve not only got a cavity, I’ve got a freakin birth defect. I feel much better now.

“Wanna free toothbrush?” he offered lamely.

And then when I left the dentist’s office, it was raining cats and dogs. I’d left my umbrella at home, too. I can’t say as I mind the milder weather, even though I know it means death and doom for us all in the not so distant future (and make no mistake: it does), but I’d rather it was mild and sunny all day and only rained from, like, 2 to 4:30 a.m.

I think that’s a reasonable proposition.